Axe me about Ebonics

I have no idea. But this one also needs just the right caption. Suggestions?

I was feeling really down last night so I called the Depression Hotline. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told the guy on the line that I was feeling suicidal. He said, "Great! Do you know how to drive a truck?"

This kid is 11 years old. At that age I was still trying to learn how to throw a baseball. Of course I was still working on that at 21.
Sung Ha Jung

We're six weeks out from the triathlon. No more slacker days! It doesn't matter if my body protests, I gotta gut it out. Cold? Windy? Raining? Tough! Just do it. Can't do the entire distance? Do half of it. In the complete absence of any athletic ability the only substitute is stubborn determination. Commitment.
My brain is writing checks my body can't cover.

Next time you eat vegetables remember, insects use them for their love pads.

Looks like a bad year to be a sock.

We like NCIS. In fact, we're watching it now. (The ballgame is a blowout.) DeNozo is wearing a suit coat that fits horribly. Why wouldn't someone from costume fix that? Or stuff the shoulders full of crumpled newspaper, if that's what it takes?

Blogspot is going down for site maintenance at 8 p.m., so I want to hit "post" before then. But before that...
What is hagiography, and what does it have to do with Sunday's sermon?