In my conversation with that couple yesterday I asked them why they were having a wedding ceremony instead of just eloping. Theirs is by NO means over-the-top, nothing that would make for a TV show about crazy and demanding brides who bear a likeness to fabled Japanese monsters. But like almost all weddings it will get more complex and stressful in the next five months as features get added and details worked out to the nth degree. Which begs the question, Why?
"Hmmm. That's a good question." (eyes looking upward in thought)
Followup question: "Who is this wedding for?"
The bride, who is extremely bright, almost immediately answered, "Well, the reception is for the family and guests who will come, so they can celebrate the occasion of our marriage."
Yes, but who's the wedding for?
My point (which I eventually got to), was that weddings take on a life of their own, and as the event draws nearer they almost never get simpler. Instead, they get more involved, more complex, more demanding. It too often ends up that the couple (mostly the bride) serves the ceremony instead of the ceremony serving the couple. So instead of looking back on the day fondly most couples' first response when they think about it is to recall the stress of the day.
This should not be.
This dynamic seems especially unseemly for those of us who see the wedding ceremony as a spiritual event that unites a man and a woman in the eyes of the gracious God who gave us the institution of marriage. Does it overstate things to describe the obsession with "production" that consumes too many brides (and their mothers) as a form of idolatry? Or at least self centeredness (which is the same thing)?
I can't even estimate the number of weddings I've done over the last 43 years, but it's a big number. From my perspective as the officiant I get to observe the various participants and their response to the day's activities. FWIW, it's rare to see a bride and groom who are having fun, who are focused on the significance of their actions before God, and who are consciously thinking about the ceremony as it impacts their guests. Not unheard of, but rare.
And if we were to chart the presence of those dynamics relative to the complexity of the event they would be in inverse proportion. It's almost guaranteed that to the extent we worry about where dear aunt Agnes will sit we will diminish our attention to "before God and these witnesses."
The bride in this case is one amazing young lady. She will graduate the week before their wedding with a medical degree from ASU, accomplished in less than standard time and with high honors. Oh, and without a dime in student debt thanks to her insane work ethic that paid her educational costs through (full time) employment even as she was acing her coursework. And she's as sweet as she is bright.
I've not met her fiance' except through our video conversations, but they seem well matched. He's the son of missionaries, has a business degree, and was recruited by (and now works for) a major international firm.
The very best part: they both love God and work at living like they do.
I'm looking forward to meeting him and to the honor of performing their wedding ceremony. I'm also optimistic that the focus of the event will be vertical. They've asked me to structure my comments to that end. I assured them that because this is a wedding and not a church service there will be no sermon, but I'll do my best to make it clear to the guests that this couple understands the significance of the event in the eyes of the God whom they love and serve.
But the question, "Why?" is still worth asking, if just to keep the focus where it belongs.
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