Sometimes (often after three cups of coffee) my brain gets going on something I really care about but don't fully understand. Maybe it's the caffeine that starts the churning or that keeps me from sorting it out. I think it would help me to talk it through with someone who could also engage the issue but it's probably best at those times that I'm on my own. It helps preserve whatever reputation I have for rational thought.
With that caveat....
I know who I am before God. I don't need lectures on my righteousness in his sight. I am faultless, without any guilt for my weaknesses or failings (which are large in both number and scope), possessing the righteousness of God's Son. I am NO part sinner, I am blameless. I am in EVERY way righteous and could not be one iota more so before the Judge of the universe. "Who can bring any charge against God's elect?" (Rom. 8:33).
The great frustration is that I live now in my flesh, and until I set it aside at the resurrection I am pulled by its weaknesses. A war rages within me between what I know I should be and do and what I want to be and do. I hate that battle and am ashamed that I struggle. I spend too much energy each day fighting to think and act as I should instead of how I want to think and act. As a result I feel like a hypocrite and am thankful that, at least to some extent, I can fool people into thinking I am a person of character.
If they only knew.
The question:
Does God hold me accountable for what I want or for what I do? That is, does he desire to create within me a spirit that genuinely desires his righteousness in my life or is it enough that I act righteously whether or not (maybe precisely because) it's not what I want?
Is alcoholism a fair analogy? The alcoholic wants to drink and we accept that the battle to stay sober rages within him or her. Are they culpable for the battle? Or are they to be lauded for every day, for every minute they choose sobriety? (Yes!) It's no big deal for me to be sober on a Friday night, while for them it's a huge victory in a great struggle I can't imagine. Am I like the alcoholic? Or is the battle an indication that I haven't become what I should?
The ascetics went to sometimes horrible lengths to mortify (put to death) the flesh, including instruments of self-torture. (see: self-flagellation) FAIL But that may be an indictment of their methods not their goal.
If I am treated badly and want to respond harshly is it enough that I let the offense pass and respond with grace or does that get me only halfway to the design he has for me?
OK, I suspect there will be a second post later today. I'll leave mom's about 1:30 and start the drive home. The deal with the Karmann Ghia didn't pass the smell test so I'm going to drive right past Camas and let go of that prospect. Yes, I might be leaving money on the table but that's a lesser negative than getting into a messy deal that has me paying what, in our family, we call the "stupid tax."
In about 90 minutes I'll drive over to church and enjoy the morning back in my spiritual home. For now I'll finish my tall Americano (no room) because what I really need at this point is even more caffeine (three cups at Denny's with b'fast). And I'll work on a couple of projects I have in the works.
Happy Mother's Day moms!
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